...in which the most top-secret, mortifying events are chronicled for the benefit of the world.


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 Saturday, November 30, 2002
( 5:33 AM )
Dear World, Yes, it's after 5 am and I am just getting home. You will not believe the shocking adventures I had tonight! Oh. My. God. I am still a little bit drunk so I will try to be coherent. By the way, Amy did get drunk too which means she drove us home drunk, which is ILLEGAL!!! She should not have done that and I am going to use it against her if I decide to be mad at her. But I might not decide that. So you want to know what happened? Well. As I said I was going to, I dressed up all hot and when Amy picked me up I saw that she was looking all hot too, which immediately seemed suspicious. Then we went there and we got some beer and we had about two beers each while the opening band was playing and then Amy said "Let's go see if we can buy a t-shirt!" and dragged me over to the merchandise booth. That pretty much foiled my plan of ignoring Jon right there. I decided to play it really cool anyway. So we got up to the booth and I kind of hid behind Amy while she went up there to ask for a shirt and Jon said "Oh! Hey, Amy!" and I was shocked! I didn't know that they knew each other! So I showed myself and he said "Hi Talula..." and then he started looking awkward. He said "I didn't know you guys knew each other!" and I said "I didn't know you guys knew each other" and Amy said "I didn't know you guys knew each other!" and we all just looked at each other for a second and then I grabbed Amy's hand and dragged her off and into the bathroom. This is how I found out that Amy had also slept with Jon and he had also not called her afterward. So guess what, we decided that it's so typical of women to get mad at each other over a guy and that is dumb, so we decided to be clever and torture Jon! We decided that from now on it is our mission to torment and confuse him. Our first action would be to force him to get an embarrassing erection in the merchandise booth. Maybe we could even make him screw up while counting change and get him in trouble!!! So we went back there but we totally pretended to ignore him and we got more beer but only one cup and we shared it, and we got all slinky-sexy on each other. We whispered and giggled and acted like girlfriends so he would think we were sleeping together. I glanced over at him and his face was turning red as he was trying to help a customer. Hee hee hee!!! Then the real band came on and we went in to see the show and we danced sexy together just in case he was watching. Then afterwards we left holding hands and we said "Bye, Jon!" and walked out. I bummed a cigarette from Amy and we smoked before we went to her car because she was still drunk. All the people came out and then Jon came out too and he came up to us and said "Hey, you guys" and we just acted like we only knew him casually. "Hey," we said. "Well ok, see ya," he said and then he went away. We were giggling unstoppably and we went to find her car which took a really long time because we forgot to pay attention to where we parked it but that was good because Amy got to walk off some of the alcohol but she still had a buzz when we were driving home and we are lucky that we are not both dead tonight! She did drive quite well but still... the cops could have pulled us over and shot us dead. They are allowed to do that now, you know. Didn't you hear? We live in a fascist police state.

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