The Secret Life of Talula McPeach

...in which the most top-secret, mortifying events are chronicled for the benefit of the world.

archives:

( 1:15 PM )

Dear World, Wow, a lot has changed since 8/24/02. I think I may have had an epiphany... I think that's the word. Where you have a sudden realization that sheds light onto everything and you realize that you've been in a complete fog your entire life? Well right word or no, that is what has happened to me. It started with the band. (The band which is actually coming together!!!) I started actually learning about Wicca, instead of just seeing it on TV. I found out that I don't have to join a coven, and it's not even about the "dark arts." It's about really good, cool stuff! It's about really using your power as a woman. You can use it in a positive way or a negative way, or you can just waste it. That's what I think I've been doing with my Womanly Wiles all this time. Wasting them. So the big realization I had was that I don't have to pretend the world isn't going to hell in a handbasket or that lots of people aren't fucked up, in order to enjoy myself and have sex with whoever I want and be in a really rockin' band. I can use my power to achieve what I really want, and also to add positive energy to the world. I should not be casting spells on boys to make their penises fall off though. That's kind of a negative-energy thing (Though I think it's still OK to use my magic to make them get dizzy and fall down, because falling down is funny, and funny is good for the world.) I think it's also OK to draw upon my power to win the shake-off. But I don't think I should use it to get "things" for myself or make people behave in certain ways. Anyway, the other thing was that I didn't know how I was going to pay my rent since I got fired. I have decided that it is better for the world as a whole if I get money from my dad for a while, so that I have time to look for a job that is actually meaningful to me. I have realized that if I sell my soul and accept a crappy job just because it's a job and I need money, that is a waste of my brilliance and wiccanly womanly power!! I actually managed to sell Dad on this, and he's supporting me now... he says it doesn't matter anyway, the world will probably blow up before he gets to spend any of it on his retirement or whatever. Yay dad! Hurray for Dad! Which reminds me I was going to explain about him. I promise to do it in my next entry here.

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( 12:39 PM )

Dear World, Oops, I just thought of something. Do rats eat frogs? Even deformed ones? I am worried about Henry. I'll have to doubly-triply secure his tank before my new furry friend(s) move in.

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( 12:38 PM )

Dear World, Yes! I! Suck! But I am also pretty cool. (Just in case you were going to decide that I suck and stop reading about me and my adventures.) I keep getting the flu. Or something. Maybe I should stop eating that year-old tofu that's in the fridge? Maybe I should just clear out the fridge. Anyway, the update on me: I am jobless. I got fired. I got fired for making a pass at a customer and the customer complained. I thought we were flirting! I thought it was my job to flirt with the customers! After all, isn't that how we draw in business? Oh well, that job sucked anyway. I am done with minimum wage-plus-tip careers. I need to find something more worthwhile. You know, if I start working at Kinko's I'll have to walk by Shawn's house every day... oh, but I'd be walking by Damian's house too. That's no good. I must think of something else. Oh! I could get a job at the sci-fi/fantasy bookstore! Then Shawn would see that I really never liked him at all, because he will see me flirting with absolutely everyone and I'll be able to convince him that that's just how I am. So... well, I guess I have to figure things out REALLY SOON or I won't be able to pay the rent. Hmm, maybe it's time I asked my dad for money. I haven't done that in a couple years... I think he's due for some pestering. He's such a cool guy, I'm sure he'll tell me if he can't help me out, without getting mad. I will tell you more about my dad later. But first I have exciting news: I spent money that I don't have and got my own domain name!!! Yes I did! This required me to get a secured credit card, which is where all my piddly savings went. All $125 dollars of it! But what this means is that I will be moving this blog to my own domain, and I'll have my own email, and I will be able to share pictures of my exciting life with all my admirers! This is so exciting. I have to get someone to teach me web stuff, or maybe just learn on my own. I'm a pretty quick study. So... watch out, I will be posting a LOT of cute rat pictures!!! Ok I have to go do stuff. I'll be back.

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( 12:38 PM )

Dear World, Yes, I know, I have been totally lame in not updating this thing. I know you have been starving for more information about me and my shenanigans. Well, two things. I got the flu for a week, and then I went to LA and I just got back. I don't need to tell you about the flu, everyone knows that the flu sucks. The question is who did I get it from, and don't they know that I can cast a spell on them to give them flu for a whole year? Well ok, maybe I can't do that... yet. But that doesn't mean that people should not be running scared. Did I tell you I am thinking of getting a pet rat? That will add to my Wiccan appeal. Rats have little hands! I wonder if I could teach it to play a little tambourine on my shoulder? Or it could just sit on my shoulder with a little tambourine tied to its tail and shake it around. That would be cool. So anyway, I went down to LA... on the TRAIN, big mistake. It took something like 12 hours to get there, and then Eric didn't even meet me at the station so I had to spend my life's savings on a cab. He said later that he totally spaced on it because his friend's dog got hit by a car so he had to drive them to the pet hospital because his friend was too upset to drive, or something. We didn't have sex hardly at all, and he was acting really weird (he admitted at the end of my visit that he was feeling awkward because he thought I was falling in love with him and I wanted to be his girlfriend. Excuse me, but what the fuck???) Anyway, the visit was mainly me tagging along with him to band practice and just hanging out getting stoned. Eric doesn't know this but I snuck off with the guitar player during a break and made out with him! Really, I was just turned on by his name (Liam.) I was really pretty embarrassed to be there looking like a fucking groupie though. Anyway, when I wasn't watching the band and making out with Liam, we were at the beach, and I made Eric show me how to surf. So I can be like Gidget! :-) I didn't do too well but I know it takes more than one lesson to become a Surfer Grrrl. Anyway, we also got drunk a lot which kind of annoyed me because of too drunk to fuck, but it was fun. I wish we had done real drugs though. Like mushrooms or hash or something. Anyway, fuck the train. No way was I going to spend 12 hours getting back. I managed to guilt-trip Eric into paying for my plane ticket. Well I mean he had to, because I was broke from the cab ride, and if he didn't pay for my plane ticket he would have been stuck with me forever! So anyway I flew back to Oak-Town. Then I got a shuttle to BART and came home. I got home on Monday afternoon. I was pretty wiped out from having alcohol poisoning so soon after a week of flu. So I went surfing the personal ads again. Of course it's kind of pointless since I have no credits, no money with which to buy credits, and I have learned that collect-calling people is rude. Too bad. I saw this one cute boy with a tambourine. I had all sorts of fantasies about having kind of a tambourine-duel with him on neighboring stages, like in Zoolander when Derek and Hansel have the "Walk-Off." That was really funny. I would like to have a "Shake-Off" or whatever you'd call it. Of course I would win, because I would have the Dark Arts on my side! Plus my little rat friend would be whispering words of encouragement in my ear. So, cute boy, if you happen to stumble upon this page, my handle on Nerve is "peachy_t" Drop me a line and we'll fuck! I mean duel! ;-)

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( 12:36 PM )

Dear World, I mean use condoms. I don't have a penis. So I can't "wear" one except for on my head. Like a stocking, for robbing people and such. It would have to be glow-in-the-dark and not "previously worn."

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( 12:35 PM )

Dear World I forgot to tell you that in August (which is right around the corner, in case you haven't noticed) I am going to LA because guess what, I got an email from this guy I fucked in college and his name is Eric and he must be bored but he asked me to come for a visit. He lives in West Hollywood I guess in a big house with about five other guys and he's in some kind of alt-rock band. Actually it's probably the same band as he had in college which is when I fucked him. We didn't go to the same school but I seduced him at a club when I was visiting my dad over vacation. It happened a few times. He was cute and cool but I made a point of not acting too much like I liked him because boys are a little too full of themselves especially when they're in bands. As we well know.

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( 12:34 PM )

Dear World, Yes, yes, yes, I know I haven't updated you on my life in... forever. Well, I went back to Madison for a couple weeks and hung out with my old buds and my... [ack!] MOM... I had to really work to calm her down, ended up just lying and telling her that I was only at the Dyke March to give moral support to a friend. She said "What about those girls I saw you kissing? If you can even call them girls... what is it with all these young women who want to be men?" And on and on. I told her it was just an experiment. She didn't buy it. So then I told her that I had gone out to play pool earlier in the day with some friends and had had a bit too much to drink and so I was basically coerced into kissing them. Well, Mom calmed down when I said that. Apparently being an alcoholic is less of a scourge on the McPeach name than being a pure, innocent lesbian. Oh well! I don't really care what all my relatives think. I'm not in this for the politics. Anyway, I did not really want to post here from Mom's Web TV (I don't even know if it's possible) and there was no other computer so that's my excuse. Anyway, since I was gone there is no news. Its just one thing. I never explained what I was talking about when I said virtual worlds were colliding! Here's the deal: there's this girl named Laura who I found online, and she has this cute blog where she talks about her friends and her band and her crappy day and she also writes pretty good reviews of shows in this area which is fun for when I don't get to go out to these shows myself. Once I think we were actually at the same show! It was the one where I met that horrible guy Pete and he messed up my lipstick and my boobs. So anyway, I've been posting comments on her site from time to time. (I would kind of like to have comments on this site but I don't know how to do it.) And remember when I went on that rampage at Nerve.com and collect-called all those guys before remembering that (duh) my ad said "woman seeking woman"? Well. Hold onto your hat... one of these guys turned out to be Laura's boyfriend. I found this out because he figured it out and he sent me an email. Weird. He seems nice though. And he's got two girlfriends (so far... I guess he's looking for more since he's got an ad up.) Did I mention that Amy has been trying to get me to read this book called The Ethical Slut? So this guy (his name is Mr. Crayon) says it's a pretty good introduction to what he calls "Honest and Ethical Complex Relationships." I guess I'll read it... I already borrowed Amy's copy but it's just been sitting in my "to read" pile. I will get back to you with an opinion once I get through it. I like the idea of not having to choose between people though. It sounds like a pretty good time! As long as you always wear condoms.

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( 12:31 PM )

Dear World, Sorry I've been so lame about keeping you up to date on my incredibly fascinating life. Life has been posing some challenges to me lately and I've been spending so much time pondering that I haven't had time to explain myself to the world. The main thing is Kara: it suddenly occurred to me that she was a complete losing proposition. For one thing, she turned out to be not at all what i was looking for in a g/f in the first place: someone to make out w/me and be in my band and torture boys with me. Now that she doesn't want to do any of those things, I have to ask myself, What's the Point? The point is I got suckered in by the thrill of having my first girlfriend, and was blinded to the political brainwash to which I was about to be subjected. So... I did what any Brave and Responsible person would do: I blew her off in an email. Yes maybe that sounds cold, but at least I didn't string her along for weeks or months and then fade out of the picture like some people do(click that link and read the July 9th entry.) So... I am once again on my own but actually it's much better this way, I didn't like my behavior being so open to scrutiny. Ok the other hellish thing in my life is my crazy mother... just BARRAGING me with emails from her web-tv. Oh, not only that but I'm getting emails from all sorts of relatives trying to tell me that gay=evil. It seems as if Mom and all her cronies have set up some sort of email ring to discuss my alleged sex life. Great! I never should have gone to the dyke march. I had no intention of this little experiment of mine turning into a large-scale battle for my very soul! So, I am trying to lay low. And that's what's new for me, and now I have some copying to do at Kinko's before work, must go now.

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