The Secret Life of Talula McPeach

...in which the most top-secret, mortifying events are chronicled for the benefit of the world.

archives:

( 10:06 PM )

Dear World, 8 messages on my answering machine today, all from Pete. Eeew. I wasn't home to receive his call, as I was out Rocking the Town. I am NOT calling him back. Maybe he will get the hint. Gross gross gross. I hope he's not a psycho. I hope I don't have to get a restraining order on him. I hear those things don't work at all.

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( 3:07 PM )

Dear World, Well, that Pete is something else. I am going to have to get rid of him now. No, I don't mean kill him. I mean, he likes me. I thought we'd just have a little fun (and we did) but when it came down to it, the attraction was just not there on my end. Does that mean I used him for drugs? I guess that's what it means. Oh well. Men have been using women for drugs for centuries now, so I guess it's time they got their comeuppance. Oh. you wanted the update? Well, like I told you, Pete called me and wanted me to be his date for a wedding at the Claremont (read: fancy-schmancy.) I don't know why he didn't just get a call girl since it became clear to me after Not Very Long that despite his adequate looks and his Med School Training, Pete is a total geek. I mean who else would have to pick up a much younger girl at a party to bring as a date for a wedding just so his friends would think he could get laid? Oh well, I agreed to it. Who knows what I was thinking. So his friend who got married was apparently his oldest friend and Pete was the best man. These people were so rich, I had to totally dress up. Guess what I wore: MY PROM DRESS!!!! You didn't know I still had it, did you? Yes I have been lugging it around for the past five years and keeping it in a plastic bag, for just such an occasion. So there I was all done up pretending to be Pete's girlfriend. We did some lines of coke in the car before going in to the wedding! That was really fun. Except then Pete wanted to make out with me and there were these gross beads of sweat forming on his forehead and that's when I realized I was totally not attracted to him AT ALL. What was I thinking the other night??? Well fortunately he didn't have much opportunity to maul me once we went in and the wedding got going. He gave this ridiculous best-man speech. I befriended a couple of the bridesmaids and told them outrageous stories about Pete's sexual prowess. That got a couple of them looking at him in a whole new way. Good! They can have him! But anyway, throughout the wedding I kept coming down off the coke which really sucked so I had to repeatedly nab Pete and drag him off to get me high again. He was more than willing to do that but I had to keep making out with him. Does this make me a drug slut? Well you will be happy to know I didn't sleep with him! Instead I made a point of bringing him drink after drink after drink till he got so drunk he passed out in the grass. Then I walked home. It was still light out. I was coming down and walking through Oakland in my prom dress. It was really ridiculous. But fortunately I didn't see anyone I knew. When I got home I took a shower and put on my pajamas and got out the bong and put on Tangerine Dream and my notebook and my magic markers and I drew a really pretty picture.

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