what am i doing?

i erased everything that was here before and am starting over. this applies to my life as well - i am getting the hell out of dodge and starting over back where i came from, in northampton. my ultimate aim is to get there before the crash. of. civilizations. i'm expecting things to get really hideous, really soon, and i just want to be near my friends and family when it all comes down.

last summer i put a lot of energy, time, and money into building big raised beds in the back yard (in the communal area - i don't personally have a back yard) with drip irrigation, planning to grow my own food and ride out some of the effects of peak oil that way. i succeeded in growing enough that i never had to buy vegetables... but i continued to be marvelously depressed, and too cash-poor to be able to fly across country to join my family for holidays, etc. i kind of felt like my heart was stuck to the floor and i was trying to walk around anyway... it wasn't working out. the moment i made the decision to cut my losses and move back home, my heart detached itself from the cement and rejoined the rest of my person.

so here are the things:

i'm pretty certain we're at peak.
our government seems hell-bent on destroying any bits of hope for a livable future.
and of course... our numbers are so big, the earth cannot sustain us.

life is going to be hard no matter where i am, but i don't want to die (or live) way out here in CA, so far from my home. what am i even doing here? i can't believe i've been here since 1989. i don't think i ever intended to stay longer than a summer... but after all the work of finding a job to pay my rent it seemed ridiculous to just leave. then i got married... then i got into the "career" thing which was so hellish i just couldn't imagine how much worse it would be leaving and having to re-invest all those many years again of making connections, getting established, etc. in a new place. well by 2004 i was divorced and unemployed... but then i couldn't leave because i had health insurance.

now i have some crappy (but better than nothing) health insurance i can use in MA, so i'm going home. for the past 4 or so months i've been completely over my head swamped in logistical nightmares, dealing with having foot surgery, trying to tie up loose ends w/all my doctors, trying to sell my house, suddenly buying a condo in northamopton (downtown, affordable, i owe my mom $90k now) and bunches of other stuff. the stress is making me sick - literally, it's been like having the flu most of this time. anyway whether i pull it all together or not, i'm out of here as of june 10. the movers are coming to take my stuff sometime between the 6th & 9th, then i'm flying to little rock to visit my friend ali for a week, then going to my cousin's wedding, and then i'm going HOME. to stay.

and i'm just hoping i can do all this before the collapse of everything!!! really. i want to sell my place here before the general public catches on to the impermanence of things, have the movers take my stuff before gas shoots up to $6.00/gallon, get to my new home and stock up on water and staples before the next huge price shocks hit. after that, i'll start a new vegetable garden at my mom's house and try to find some way of making money... and i will find out soon enough what happens to mortgages when the whole economy collapses. i'm hoping that if everything really goes to hell in a handbasket that the bankers won't have time to come kick people out of their houses, and if i can get my body functioning well enough i'll take up a martial art to protect my home and water supply from raiders.

that's what i'm doing and why i'm not here posting all the time like i used to be.

p.s.

this is good: beyond hope.

and don't miss (my hero!!!) james howard kunstler's 3-part video series: the long emergency.