there's no rock bottom, only more black hole.

i just went out to cornucopia to get food i needed from there before it closed at 9pm. also needed to get a file from acme surplus. ducked thru as many back alleys as possible but couldn't help encountering hoards of happy talking people on my way. i had to avoid them kind of like how you play frogger. and that's when i realized that i know how i can describe this mental state i've been stuck in for months but now with increasingly few moments of respite and increasingly dark thoughts, darker places than i've ever known.

it's like this: imagine the worst acid trip ever. it's a supremely paranoid acid trip revolving around a dark force that is trying to convince you to jump off a really tall building (but somehow you know you should fight this force and you wish you had some motivation, like something to look forward to should you conquer it, but there's nothing) and an intuitive knowledge that none of your friends want anything to do with you in your current state. the only people who want to see you are the ones who don't know you're in the middle of a really bad acid trip. you can't talk to anybody. and you're thrown outside amongst hoards of happy people and you don't know for sure if they can see you or not because you're extremely aware that they are in an entirely different reality. physically, your autonomic nervous system is on red alert, causing a deep feeling of panic and dread at all times. your heart is racing, you find you're gritting your teeth, and you're poised for flight at all times. everywhere you go you're checking for escape routes.

now realize this is not an acid trip at all, this is your life. it stays this way.

so that's how my mental state is and that's why i can't be around people no matter how much i love them or they think they love me. i feel extremely guilty at all times, when confronted with anything from outside myself (i.e. people, life, money, receipts, things to do, etc.) because i know everyone is thinking i just need to pull myself up by my bootstraps & snap out of it. everyone is having a hard time, these are tough times, is what people think. what do i have to complain about?

i have not much to complain about and that's not the problem and that's why nobody can understand unless they're going through it themselves. i am writing this now because i don't think anybody actually reads this blog & this is the stuff nobody wants to hear because then they feel like they're supposed to do something about it, and it's a burden. in general, being a downer is a burden. i don't want to burden people. i hate burdening people. but these last few months, almost for the last year, i feel like the message i'm getting from the universe is completely consistent and persistent: if you have problems, you are on your own and do not even dare to think you could ever be worthy of love. generally speaking.

specifically i've just been experiencing over & over that i am too much, too "intense", for people to take. even the people i thought were my closest friends have told me either explicitly or in a roundabout way that dark jenna is not welcome here. only happier happyish funny smart jenna is wanted. dark sad terrified needy freaked-out jenna is not worthy of anyone's attention, except unwanted attention from creeps, who don't care what jenna's mental state is because that's why creeps are creepy, because they don't read cues and don't see a woman as a person, so her thoughts are irrelevant.

but creeps are not my problem. my problem is that i've had to isolate myself more & more & more, the worse things get for me. and the worse things get the more i alienate the very people who were giving the most meaning to my life. black hole energy is contagious and i don't want to suck anyone into it... but it just becomes a bummer when it goes on & on & on & never ever ever ever ends. i try to hang out with people when i'm feeling relatively optimistic but it's excruciatingly painful. even the best interactions cause me enormous anxiety... even "happy" interactions. after even the best interaction with even just one person i love, once i'm alone i dissociate and return hours later to find i've really fucked something up. this is one way i continue to injure myself, although my physical injuries are also one of my big problems. and that's because i am a wimp about pain and after a while when i'm overwhelmed enough and everything just hurts inside & out, i cry. i cry in public, walking down the street. i cry in class. i do not want to cry around any of the friends i may have left. this crying shit is pathetic and it alienates people.

i don't want anyone to do anything for me... i don't wish someone would come to rescue me from myself... i just wish i didn't have to be alone in this. but i do. it's my own personal trauma and it's no one else's problem. and that's all there is to it. i am doing everything i possibly can to get help for myself (seriously - i've got a psychiatrist, a therapist, i finally got a doctor after years w/out one, and i'm seeing a PT and an OT and i work hard to get sleep, though i often fail at that as well as at getting proper nutrition. i've learned a lot about "alternative healing modalities" too and i do whatever i can manage. and i practice movement and meditation.) i don't expect anyone to help me... i just wish i could be around people without having to lie about how i am. i mean, in a crowd of strangers it's not lying, no one cares & nothing matters. but to be with friends i have to be not the way i am. and because i really can't control it, i can't be how i should be and so i have to stay alone.

i really hate it. the worst part is just that there's nothing to even pretend to look forward to. i would be happier if i were just wishing the "right person" would come along and we'd be in love. and it's not that i don't believe in love or believe i can be loved. i believe that this winter i was truly seen for who i am and truly loved for who i am, and then informed that in spite of that love i'm really not good enough for anyone's company. my emotions are too intense. i get triggered too easily. i trigger others. sometimes i find that i'm collaborating with someone on an art thing and that gives true meaning to my life, it really does. it's all i need, to have a reason to live. but my collaborations are gone, all fucked up because i'm fucked up, and my mind is a blank when it comes to risking this again. it's just full-on panic.

anyway i have no escape, no delusional idea that everything is other people's fault & if i just meet the right people or go to the right places etc. everything will be better. it's like i've already gotten the spoiler to my life's movie. there's no suspense. i already know, because i've experienced it so many times, that it is a waste of my time and anyone else's time for someone to try & woo me or whatnot. they might not believe me, and they may not see what the big deal is about just giving it a shot. but i am so fucking sick and tired of having to wait & watch the process unfold time & time again - first fascination & lust, a bit of putting me on a pedestal, and then continued lust but a growing discomfort, and then the final realization that i am a basket case & not the person they'd projected on to me... i know this could be a self-fulfilling prophecy but it's just how it is. i know what happens.

this is PTSD. and i have spent my entire adult life trying to exist without confronting my worst trauma, all the while totally unaware that the worst trauma wasn't the only thing that could completely undo me. turns out there are layers and layers and layers of things i always thought i had no emotion about, but actually it was just repressed or dissociated and it's still here in my body. it's repeatedly relived in the present, because i haven't dealt with it and put it in its proper place in history, which is what needs to be done. and it's all gotten triggered at once all by accident & much has come as a total shock and i never ever ever would have purposely thrown myself into this horrible mess but it's more like a piano that fell on me when i wasn't looking. so here i am.

"bullet in the brainpan, squish!"

hey look, it's us on MSNTV...

we really are "a town divided" thanks to the growing divide betw. rich & poor as well as empathic vs. self-centered. this video doesn't do the BID issue justice but i myself am mired in an issue similar to this on a more macro scale... will most likely be returning here to rant quite soon... been busy but i'm about to blow my lid over this insane "doorbell" issue i'm having.

this is not about me though, this is about a big conflict in northampton, MA. all these images of downtown are my neighborhood, right outside my door, what i see when i look out the window. this is my home where i'm staying and planning to fight it out, whatever it is that needs to be fought. or defended.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

time to play "what's my damage?"!!!

ok i'm annoyed at some stupidity.

i was looking up trauma/neglect/abuse/recovery stuff last night in hopes of finding a lead.

i decided to find out if what happened to me, regarding my injuries & other medical issues for which i requested & was denied help, would fall under the legal definition of "neglect" under today's law, if not the law of my day. (not like i'm complaining, looking to point fingers... i long ago did the whole "forgiving" thing & i take responsibility for my own craziness. i just need to figure shit out, starting w/the least-scary stuff.)

it turns out that it easily would, but there are a couple things about the law which seem insane to me.

1) in some states, it doesn't count as "neglect" if it's due to the parents' inability to pay/provide.

although i agree with this i would take it farther - it's at this point the STATE'S inability to provide which is at fault, and to take it another step it shouldn't be the state who's in charge of these matters anyway, it should be the community. but we have been separated from one another by our culture and real community is rare.

when i was a child i longed to be rescued from my situation - but not by the "state". i don't think that ever occurred to me. but there were other adults everywhere - my parents' friends/colleagues at the colleges, my teachers, neighbors, my father's students at mt. holyoke who sometimes lived with us...

no one ever said anything so i assumed that everyone was in agreement that nothing was wrong. i don't really know how they saw our family. i'm sure no one knew about the major issues, but plenty of people bore witness to the general overtones & the way my father was rigid & controlling & how he belittled me. nobody said a word, ever. not till i was 16 and got drunk and kissed john grayson, whose sister shelley used to ride in a carpool w/me to macduffie. she wouldn't even look at me when my father was having at me, and the rest of the time she & her friends - at macduffie there were probably only 5 or 10 black girls and they all ganged up together - just teased me about stupid stuff.

john grayson told me that everyone thought my father was a lunatic.

which brings me to point #2.

2) many states make exceptions for the denial of medical care falling under the definitions of "abuse" or "neglect" if it's due to a parent's religious beliefs. christian science is given extra special exemption.

THIS PISSES ME OFF BECAUSE:

• why is RELIGION the only acceptable excuse fro raising your children according to what you believe to be true?

• how is RELIGION any better than INSANITY?

seems to me, RELIGION gets a free pass while INSANITY has entirely different repercussions.

and again: fuck the state. this is where COMMUNITIES should be close enough to act as an extended family and if a child is being harmed for whatever reason, people who know the family should step in. no sending kids away to some strangers in the very dangerous foster care system. NO FUCKING STATE. but people should not look the other way, not for anybody's sake. and yet because we are all controlled by mass-hypnosis if not simply the rules of the state, people pretty much have to.

what do these laws have to say about my particular situation? well, let us examine.

my dad was raised as a christian scientist. although he claimed to be an athiest and a communist, he led his life by a very bizarre belief system which I may never understand. he "ruled the house with an iron fist" as he would have put it, controlling all aspects of everybody's lives using the powers of physical force and psychological torture. he was also clinically insane. even his colleagues pretty much knew that, though he had tenure in the math department so it really didn't matter.

who's to say when a judgment call should be made and by whom? this is very murky territory.

for example, most people take for granted that all children should be taught to brush their teeth. my sister and i were forbidden from brushing our teeth, although i for one kept asking to. we were told that only adults developed plaque, and what children needed was a "milk rinse" every night before bed. my sister and i found this to be especially embarrassing when we had friends over.

one could debate the science of my dad's theory but who cares. the point is, he was different. where does one draw the line between right and wrong? religion vs. insanity?

ironically, when i was 8 years old someone DID step in - while we were living in a tiny village in holland andn my sister and i attended the village school. one day a dental van came to the school to give all the children free dental care. after examining me & my sister, somebody called our parents & had a meeting with them & my sister and I were given our first toothbrushes and from then on we were allowed to brush our teeth. I get the feeling my parents did not enjoy getting busted on whatever it was - in my recollection my father would push any matter until some "authority" such as a doctor drew the line & said flat-out "you can't do that".

what's the difference between RELIGION and a PERSONAL BELIEF system??? and who gets to judge what is insanity and what is not? why should a christian scientist be immune to charges of neglect or abuse when an insane person would have no rights at all?

so, my dad was raised in a christian science way but he said there was no god. he believed that the sun would heal all things. i'm with him on that on ly to a point. i believe it is not the STATE'S business to make laws about what vaccines are mandatory for babies, what education kids should have, etc. but then there is this pesky thing we call "common sense" which is closely related to something called "science".

how would one apply the law to this incident:

i was 7 or 8 years old, and i had an accident on my bike. our road had just been re-tarred & graveled, so there was still mucky tar & loose gravel everywhere.

i remember parts of this with perfect clarity, other parts with extreme vagueness or no memory at all.

i was making too tight a turn when i skidded and fell. i was alone on the street. i didn't feel any pain until i looked at my left foot & saw that the top of it had been shorn clear off and i could see everything in there, including the tar and gravel now embedded in the mess. at which point i began to scream at the top of my lungs.

adults came running - 5 or 6 people surrounded me to see if i was ok. i didn't recognize any of them. then my father, hearing the commotion, came out. he broke through the circle, scooped me up, and carried me into the house.

he brought me into the laundry room where we had a big sink, and dangled my foot under the tap for perhaps a minute.

from that point until the next part of the memory is a blank for me. my mother recently told me she will never forgive herself for not taking me to the doctor (i assured her it was the least of my traumas & that i held nothing against her.) she said i was not allowed to touch my foot or try to clean it in any way (neither of my parents were to touch it from then on either. it was never properly cleaned.) the sun was supposed to heal it. our house, by the way, was filthy. i got around the house by moving around like a crab, with my left foot held as high in the air as i could manage.

how much time went by i do not know, but my memory kicks back in when my mother finally did sneak me off to a doctor (we had insurance - it was never a matter of care not being available) when my foot was finally covered in a 1/2" layer of pus, tar and gravel of course still embedded.

what happened AT the doctor's office is another story for another time, or possibly not.

the QUESTION is:

what would the law say about my dad refusing to allow me medical care? he was raised as a christian scientist, after all. but perhaps an insanity plea would get him off?

my life is a tapestry of murky situations like this example, which i used because i have little to no emotion when i think or talk about it, and yet it has been on my mind a lot since learning so much new stuff about bodywork.

the stupid shit that is pissing me off is that i don't think it's right to make laws about what is or is not "abuse" regarding how people raise their children, and then give certain groups exemptions. excuse me but what the fuck happened to the separation of church & state? ok i KNOW what happened... it went *poof* but this kinda pisses me off. a kid is a kid and i don't see why religion gets a free pass. of course it doesn't help me sort out my own personal narrative in the slightest way.

[end rant]

the freedom center is neither...

HELEN

Jenna:

next person to call helen, please tell her if she ever calls me again i'm going to do something horrible like try to get her put away & stripped of all her personal rights forever and ever w/a rogers order, or burglarize her home & put nair in her shampoo or shave her cat or somethign. i want her to believe that calling me would be a bad idea for HER sake b/c she obviously has no problem annoying ME.

i didn't listen to her message b/c she should know bettter than 2 call me and i just deleted it as soon as i heard her name, as i had jumped out of bed woken from desperately needed sleep to find the phone thinkng it might be re: my friend's whereabouts

p.s. until further notice there will be NO more organizers mtgs at my apartment.


Caty:

I have to say I'm truly shocked and appalled to see an fc organizer want to threaten someone coming to the fc for help with psychiatric abuse & other awful things just b/c the organizer is upset that the person is calling her too much. Even if it was meant in jest or anger or both, I never thought I'd see those words on our list. Especially when the person called us for help about a Roger's Order that is truly oppressing her.


Kevin:

Blah, Blah, Blah and WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!

Let me set a few things straight right now for the record.

Or better yet, let's all take a little stroll down Madness Ave. in Jenna's shoes shall we?

Let me start by saying I have a very personal knowledge of Ed's time in Jenna's life, what a holy shitshow that was, and still is and, now, FC's role in allowing this to happen (positive, positive, positive...hey, let's go tell someone whois HIV+ about the wonderful uses of the word "positive") and FC's utter lack of support in Ed's continual harassment of Jenna. Yeah great, he's gone away...for now.

Let me continue by delving into the constant ass-reaming Jenna takes on this list for expressing her opinions, feelings and visions for this "organization" (A word I'm using about as loosely as FC throws around the word "positive")...I don't think I need to, nor do I have the entire week to fully document this but I can sum it up with phrases like "continual marginalization" and "utter lack of ANY kind of support".

Put on top of this the fact that facilitating SG was essentially foisted on her by someone who then had a shit fit on her for taking over facilitating SG. Put on top of that a wonderful party plan turned into an e-list cat fight. Put on top of that calls for transparency and inclusion being met with much criticism and derision (and BTW I take this personally as I was part of that meeting and those "calls").

Now, put on top of this the duress of a friend in a life or death situation. For the record, I need to clarify what I now know. It wasn't Jenna but her friend Betty who asked FC to help, thinking as so many erroneously do that we're in a position to actually DO something for someone. Nevertheless, the situation gets extremely urgent and instead of help or support, Jenna gets an earful about FC ideology (yeah...dogma, dogma, dogma...and meanwhile someone is out there FUCKING FREEZING HIMSELF TO DEATH in the name of a delusion!!!!!!)

Put on top of all this, and I'll say it again because it really has become a fucked-up feedback loop, the constant lack of support of any kind Jenna has gotten from the vast majority of y'all here (and those of you who I'm not speaking of, you know who you are) while she has willingly co-facilitated Support Group and hosted Org. Meetings 2x/month.

Now, put on top of this the pressure she's under between Massage School, the seriously life/death situation with Chris, and all the ethical conundrums she has had to work out practically on her own (and for the record, I was the first/one ofthe first to suggest hospitalization for Chris) and, I'll say it one more time in the spirit of the ol' feedback loop, the amount of bullshit/amount of support ratio Jenna has received from FC proper (my bad, you can't make a ratio when one of the numbers is "0").

Now, top it all off with the fact that this "Helen" will not stop calling her when it is clear Jenna can do nothing for her.

Is anybody here "shocked and appalled" now that Jenna may have such an extreme reaction to this latest chapter of madness?

Or, am I the one in need of a Rogers for pointing any/all of this out?

Kevin,

At this rate, a soon-to-be former FC member


Lee:

Hey Kevin,

A bunch of us are talking about moderation of this list so that conflicts like this don't explode so easily because it seems to be a drain of our organizational energy and seems to be effecting most members in a negative emotional way.

Sarcasm is not an easy sentiment on email, and however sarcastic Jenna is being it's really rough to make jokes on an email list about rogers' ordering someone and taking away their rights...regardless of her current state of madness and stress.

The other things you mentioned in your email are all things that are going on, but they are not immediately relevant to jokes about rogers orders etc.

Lee


Jenna:

hello list,

i would like to apologize for the rather evil email i sent earlier regarding the annoying phone call i got. if i had taken ten deep breaths & thought things through before sending, it wouldn't have been sent.

i said what i did because i've been accused a couple times recently (NOT accusing anyone here) of wanting to put a rogers order on somebody, and as i cannot at ALL imagine EVER wanting to do that, in fact one of the worst things about my current experiences in my other life (for which i started the other list) has been having to struggle with doing something i think is going to be incredibly horrible (not that, specifically) to someone that i deeply love. the idea that i would ever wish such a thing upon ANYBODY is entirely laughable to me - or it would be if it were not all so tragic.

and because i have been given so much shit by so many people who really know nothing about me, accusing me of having motives i do not have (based on their own projections, based on not knowing me at all) i was pissy, and i was bitchy.

and i should not have acted out that way on the list.

and i am apologizing. i am sure everyone knows i never for a second thought someone would actually call helen & say "jenna says if you ever call her again she's gonna..." etc. etc. i mean, i know that none of you would ever be stupid enough or mean enough to do such a thing.

but i understand that my message was scary to people.

i will not be posting here again until i've got my personal problems under control & have found a way to get regular sleep and have figured out what i really think about fc & whether future involvement will be good or whether it will destroy me and everyone around me.

sincerely,

jenna

Amanda:

i feel very strongly that this list should *not* be moderated. i think we are all capable of overstepping, and also capable of calling out those who overstep. i think it is a dangerous idea and one that will create an undercurrent...stronger than any we have now...of bad feelings. and who would moderate????? keely????? i think not. she is not a psych survivor, and tho she means well, there are many things she may not understand. i think it is really fucked up to have one person have censored info on another...

that said, i do think there are other avenues to attempt before setting into motion an attempt at censorship.

i think it is important to call individuals out on their personal behavior. when this has been done appropriately, there have been apologies and no hard feelings. when it is not done appropriately, or done in an attacking manner, that is where we have gotten into problems. what the fuck is wrong with saying you hurt my feelings? or your post really freaked me out...what is going on. this is junior high shit man! come on.

i think if a person is continually x-ing these lines then something should be done on an individual level...ie...you will be removed from the list for a while.

this is about accountability...if this list is moderated we will lose this precious gift of learning to be accountable, learning to see our destructive behaviors, and then someone else (the moderator) has all this shit on us to use against us. keep it open...keep it honest... step up and call people out when you are upset by something... take responsibility for yourself and your actions.

just because we are psych survivors does not mean we cannot be accountable or responsible... but sometimes it does mean we overstep, over react, or just go plain nuts. it means we need to find ways to support each other, and also listen to when we are triggered or are triggering another

i guess what i am saying is that there are other options to try first, and the first response is not always the best response.

Lee:

Hey Amanda,

I feel like there is some confusion about what moderation is. Moderation is not one person making the rules and imposing them on everyone else. We can all makes the rules, and simply ask one person to make sure we "play fair". I thought Keely would be good because she is a bit removed so nothing can be considered personal, but it doesn't have to be her, it could be you, Amanda. It could be Melissa. It could be anyone. The important thing is not who moderates. The important thing is that we do it.

Most list-servs have a moderator. It's basic protection to avoid people coming on and being able to say absolutely anything... it keeps the focus of a list.

I would like to think we could just "know" when we're "overstepping" but I have no confidence in that. It's been months now and the list has still gone on like this and I don't think people have been held accountable at all. It's exhausting to try to keep up with the amount of things people need to be held accountable for and it's not a good use of our organizational energy.

Many many people already got off the list in the last few months and we lost a number of allies. In addition to that, Oryx is talking about getting off the list. Kevin just got off it. Jenna's taking a break from it. Will and Caty are both upset about it. And if something is not done about this list I am getting off it and I have been on it for almostthree years.

If someone has a *concrete* proposal other than moderation they can make it but otherwise I'm going to work on basic guidelines for moderation and bring it to the group as a proposal for us to look at. This is an organizing list and it's gotten too personal and little to no organizing has been done on it for a while.

FC can and should has lots of room for personal relationships and connections and people to share their personal lives, but I don't think the organizing list should be one of those forums. If it is, I'm just not interested anymore.

Lee


Kevin:

Holy Crap,

Yes I am coming in late again, as I've just gotten home from work, but shit I've got alot to say.

First of all, yes I know Jenna has since apologized for her post this morning...however apparently I have to state the obvious just in case anyone completely skipped over/ignored the words "EXTREME reaction" in regard to my defense of Jenna at the beginnings of yet another ingloriously judgemental e-mail campaign against her.

Clearly, I do not condone WHAT Jenna wrote...I mean, for fuck's sake why do I even have to state this, has activism met political correctness at a point so low that one needs a long, long ladder to see the wart-ridden ass of reality?

As for my own post in defense of Jenna the human being. I do not and will not apologize for any of that. The fact that it was my use of sarcasm and some shit about how we can't condone making Rogers' test jokes were the only things commented on by anyone really speaks volumes to me about FC as an organization. Having said that, at least there was ONE person who had the guts to post, as utterly wrong-headed as I thought it was. The waves of silence from the rest of you are beyond deafening. Why did no one (other than the other members of this oppressed majority, who I will excuse based on the fact that they are in the same boat anyway) at least carry on with the issue of Jenna's treatment in FC?

Look, I came into FC what, four months ago, wanting to give of myself and wanting to be involved in an organization whose history shared much in common with my own life story. What I didn't realize is what I was getting into and what I was about to witness.

I've given this quite a bit of thought over the course of a very slow evening on the job and the conclusions I have come to do not speak very highly of FC. As I found myself pondering things in a workplace that is every bit as maddening as FC, I came to the sad realization that it is OK to enter into established organizations and institutions, and even more endearing if you come in as someone who cares or wants to care. However, the minute you actually do or say anything that shows how much you care, all shit breaks loose and all shit is often dumped upon the new person who cares enough to want to see this established institution become the best it can be, and perhaps even cares enough to do what it would take to make that happen.

This has been my FC experience to date. I have apparently encountered an organization that talks a quite frankly mediocre game when it comes to inclusion but when the chips are down not only has marginalized those members who have brought issues regarding the organization forward (in the interest of making a better organization), but find themselves on the back end of all matter of negativity and downright slander.

I have witnessed quite a few organizational issues simply get swept under the rug and I have also witnessed an active campaign, wittingly or unwittingly (like THAT fucking matters), to destroy two of our members...often in defense of an institutional success story (oops, better state for the 58th time that I have nothing against this institutional success story).

Fuck, if I wanted to get involved with an organization that swept issues under the rug and acted to destroy the lives of those people who brought these issues to light, I'd have gotten involved with the federal fucking government.

As I type this, I am as absolutely 100% besides myself with anger and rage as I was when I read Caty's response to Jenna's off-color post. And while it was, even by Jenna's own admission, inappropriate, how the fuck is it that FC, as a mental-health self-determination organization that alleges to have all of these fucking resources has practically driven at least one of its members to the verge of emotional collapse...And how is it that when this manifests itself, all the next person in line can do is pile on by writing this "shocked and appalled" condemnation...And how is it that when another FC member points out how FC has driven this person to this extreme, this member gets ONE, repeat ONE comment from ONE, repeat, ONE person about their sarcastic tone and the still deplorable nature of rogers test jokes (again, at least this ONE, repeat, ONE person had the guts to say ANYTHING!)

So here I am tonight, realizing that all the time and energy spent just today dealing with this garbage could have been spent on another list I'm part of trying to save somebody's life in a meaningful way. And it is in this and other realizations that I have come to realize something. As of tonight, I have come to realize that the last four months I have spent on the FC Organizer's List has been a complete fucking waste of my time...and right now I am on the verge of tears as I fucking realize that I have known this all along.

I suppose the only comfort I can take, and about the only thing that is keeping me from turning into a blubbering mess at this time, was knowing that I tried to be part of meaningful progress within this organization, and even if all that meant doing was spending alot of my time speaking in defense of the two FC members this organization set out to destroy (again wittingly or unwittingly, though I fail to see where that makes a difference) and I can at least take comfort in the hope that perhaps there is some small deed I have done here that has kept one or both said members, two of the kindest, most compassionate people I have met in a very long time, if ever, from completely coming undone in all of this.

Finally, I would like to say for the record that it is really fucking sad commentary that it took Jenna sending a self-admittedly over-the-top post as she did for someone to realize that we can't treat each other with enough fucking respect as human beings to self-moderate our own e-mail list.

So put it all together and I am in a no-win situation with this list and an "organizer" with FC (and I use the term "organizer" loosely on my own behalf)

On the one hand, I will NOT be part of an e-mail list moderated by an outsider. On the other hand, I will not be part of an e-mail list where the people involved cannot treat each other with a sense of basic human decency and especially in the case of a group such as FC, basic human sensitivity.

As such, I ask at this time that I be removed from this e-mail list.
Furthermore, I will no longer attend FC Organizer's Meetings and have no interest in being involved in FC as an organizer.

Finally, unless I contact any of you personally via e-mail or otherwise, I ask that nobody on this list make any contact with me, as any attempts at unwelcome contact will, at best, be left unanswered and any e-mails with [fc-organizers] in the heading will simply be deleted.

Sincerely,
Kevin

Will:

hi everyone,

over the past several months i have watched people get hurt and leave this list. i have been hurt and have stepped back from the list myself.

everyone has good intentions and is doing what they can. we have all spiralled into insensitivity here, and I am no exception. but posts to this list have continued to violate our community guidelines and basic principles of freedom center mutual support and respect.

the purpose of this list is to accomplish freedom center organizing goals, not to have extended interpersonal dialog around feelings and conflicts.

freedom center is based on clear guidelines, specific goals, and facilitated meetings. it is not an open social forum.

and the guidelines, goals, and facilitation of freedom center are not personal opinions that should then be turned into the subject of debate on the list and meetings. that is not the purpose of the list. our guidelines, goals, and facilitation are terms of agreement that you enter into when you become part of freedom center.

I want to specifically ask people, Why are you here as organizers? The goal of being a Freedom Center *organizer* is to accomplish activist tasks in pursuit of our mission. It is not a club or society or internet community to join where we invest our energy and time into conflict, drama, gossip, attacks, and defensive mutual accusation.

We're going to a facilitated list so that email can serve its purpose with respect. My apologies to everyone who has suffered because of the delay in putting this policy into practice.

I specifically want to apologize to people who have felt the need to leave this list or who have become silent.

If you have a concern about this policy, please email me directly or call 413.210.2803. This list is not a place to discuss list policy or respond to this email, but I am willing to do so off list, within reasonable limits and in a manner of mutual respect.

I realize that in acting in this way we/I will be accused of censorship and dictatorship. This is a misunderstanding of the basic needs of group facilitation and organizing, and the importance of having shared guidelines and creating basic safety.

Anyone who wants to continue with free-form, no-guidelines interpersonal dialog, is invited to inform me, and I will set up a non-moderated list specifically for that purpose. the icarus project actually has a 'rants and rages' forum that is quite popular and serves a valuable purpose.

Jenna:

hello, will.

i would like to let you know that i am officially leaving the freedom center as of today. i uploaded the last madness radio show but you can find someone else to do that for free for you now.

i am absoultely disgusted with this organization but you have made yourself clear here about where you stand and i see no need for discussion.

you have effectively shut down any and all possible venues for any kind of dissent by stating that neither organizers meetings nor the list are a place for personal opinions.

you also stated this:

"the guidelines, goals, and facilitation of freedom center are not personal opinions that should then be turned into the subject of debate on the list and meetings. that is not the purpose of the list. our guidelines, goals, and facilitation are terms of agreement that you enter into when you become part of freedom center."

i do not recall EVER in my almost 3 years of involvement with the freedom center being told that by "joining" i agreed to the guidelines, goals, and facilitation of the "freedom center". i was not asked to sign any paper. i was never informed that this was a condition of my involvement.

in some of freedom center's propaganda, it is described as a place where people decide for themselves what healing avenues are best for them and work toward that. this completely contradicts what you said above.

if i had heard a statement such as yours when i joined, i would NOT have joined. i am sorry i wasted so much time and energy on this group. please enjoy your fabulous future.

i do not wish to hear back from you or anybody and will delete any and all emails i receive from this so-called "collective".

sincerely,

jenna

public speaking makes me tremble.

i forget when this even was, but i had a thing or two to say. it's too bad that i come off as a total freakazoid. my ending suggestion i believe invalidated anything useful i had to say because it was so totally utopian & unrealistic (city council members actually getting to know homeless people as PEOPLE? well some here & there might or might have.) anyway this was at northampton city council meeting recently where they were trying to push through this hugely bogus anti-panhandling legislation.



fortunately, the evening came complete w/a punchline, but that i am saving for another video because i have to edit it down to sound-bites.

in other news... let's see, well everything was going pretty horribly to begin with, and then came matt fein. i told him i wasn't "talking shit" about him behind his back, so i guess i can't say anything about him or what he did. what i can say is that in terms of my sanity, my ability to cope w/the world at large, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. remember when i said that dating makes me psycho? i didn't even think of this as "dating" but it sure did leave me stranded in a mush-pile maze of a brain.

this world, this life: wrong venue for me.

a recent back-and-forth on the massage school email list (contains only a few people) incl. my response to a comment and a query, the reaction to my response, and my reaction to that reaction. i left my therapist's office yesterday crying in rhyme, after she'd pointed out the obvious, that there is a time & a place for everything & of course a massage school email list where someone just had a simple question is not the appropriate venue. i said that's the whole problem!!!!!! my creativity does not flow freely in the "appropriate" venues or in the "appropriate" ways, ever. i can't sit down & write a poem for myself in some notebook. things come out when they come out. so yes, i realize it's not ok. i also realize it's who & how i am. and i don't know how to find a place in this world where i can be me. i am in a lot of pain. it's not like war or having my arms blown off or being tortured physically, but this life has been ripping me to shreds from the inside-out. and how i express what i feel or see only serves to make matters that much worse. 

---

Debbie -  Troughing is highly regulated, and even illegal in some states.  Upper laminar troughing is usually considered safe if administered by a trained practitioner, I would suggest that you not even consider it; and devote your energies towards your franchise interests. Good Luck,

Rich

Hi, does anyone know if clinic is open Friday the 26th? Have  a great Holiday everyone!

Mari

hear ye! hear ye! o come, all ye people

and look up at my fingers, they're forming a steeple!

this a signal from me out to you

that i know exactly just what you can do...

and i'll try not to sound preachy, but be rather useful

to ye all who wonder what days have what number

and oddidities such, so bizarre, we fear question

or beg for more info or ask for suggestion

from someone who knows what they're talking about

no not me, i know nothing but to you i now shout:

try emailing the massage school using the form

that shows on the contact us page as is norm

if you want this alexei to indeed get your message

here is the thing that i think was suggested

to me one fine day when i sat and i wondered

something about the semester which lumbered

t'ward me ever faster, concerning me so

about whom i should pay and just where i should go

to receive this fine bodily education

moving me way way way up there in station

societally speaking, i mean, if you'll stay

with me one moment more while i fumble to say

in less-bizarre wording just what you must do

if you do wish alexei to hear straight from you

the question you pose, and to get a response

it's all in a form and the form, though it wants

more finesse in it's styling its function is true

to the need once created by people like you

who had some odd question 'bout this or 'bout that

which demanded an answer and accurate, that

so go to the contact page, fill in the form

and through wires or waves it will travel through storm

and through hail and through wind, through most thund'rous blaze

right straight to the inbox of alexei levine

who due to his passion for keeping his scene

a smooth-running one that helps people who seem

maybe tensed up or nervous or needing to dream

of a place where they lie down and someone with training

provides them with something most of us could stand gaining:

the feeling of safety and quiet and trust

where breath flows in deep, then flows out as it must

this man named alexei will answer you true

he'll tell you exactly what it is you must do

to responsibly honor your duties, while saving

your safety as most sacred duty remaining

which means he will answer you telling you if

the clinic is opened or if it's a myth

those stories they tell of a holiday massage

only made up for your fears to assuage

and what's that you say, oh you there named richard,

who speaks from afar yet is fairly convicted

of dangers that lurk there 'neath laminar trough

stay away from it please, you shout and you cough

you feel a great danger, liabilities looming

all the while somehow though presuming

you know what alexei, the man, would have said

had he answered same question, you think he'd have read

things the same way as you, but the problem you see

is that you were not present - however there were we

who heard him, on exam day give us this last warning

"be true to the trough," he cried, "this is the dawning...

...of a new age of deep profound tissue massage

and if your clients aches and pains you wish to assuage

i advise you to focus your energies there

in the laminar trough, where no one does dare

to dig deep enough, no not hardly ever

but more pressure there better late then just never."

this advice it was given, by sage it was sung

and then all of you left, there were stockings to be hung

and trees to be decorated for 'tis, you do see?

a holiday time not for both you and me

but for only the people who chance to agree

with this concept oft known as "consensus reality"

this universe, to which i myself don't buy in

is quite popular, still, with most folks and their kin

having learned all their lives that one thing or another

would be there for them when they did what their mother

had told them was that which was needed in life

to be a good person, a husband or wife

or a father or son or a daughter-in-law...

... you see now, though, don't you? there's one big huge flaw

in this vision of life and i'll get to the point now

there's nothing but space 'tween atoms that flow now

'tween places and times, only showing when noticed

and otherwise flitting between worlds where poets

and philosophers, artists, and artisans too,

not so unlike me or like you (or like YOU)

choose to live a life different from how you might know it

a different view with a different perspective

it's out there if you see it, but mostly neglected

walked over, stepped under, and tossed casually aside

while people go shopping with arms open wide

feeling pressure from all over the place and inside

to participate in this southern-style fried

re-teaching and telling of truths (some are lied)

of just what it is that we bought when we buyed.

so here is my holiday greeting for you:

use the form on the website, and to trough please be true

because clients are needing that healing-type touch

that people give feedback, they say it means much

so much indeed does it mean that they run back

straight to the boss-man but he's got a comeback

for just about anything you could dream up

and to all a good night! and now i will shut up.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

jenna

---

the only response:

"Wow, Jenna, I read your poem below, you have way to much time on your hands girlfriend!"

and how i responded to that:

"way too much time" is a common misconception, in fact the opposite is true and i find it insulting when people imply that my mode of expression's a waste of good time as i crumble from pressures from out and inside to keep up with the world where i'm forced to reside by those damned laws of physics, all joking aside.

xoxoxo

jenna

willy wonka speaks for me

There's no earthly way of knowing
Which direction we are going
There's no knowing where we're rowing
Or which way the river's flowing

Is it raining, is it snowing
Is a hurricane a-blowing

Not a speck of light is showing
So the danger must be growing
Are the fires of Hell a-glowing
Is the grisly reaper mowing

Yes, the danger must be growing
For the rowers keep on rowing
And they're certainly not showing
Any signs that they are slowing

how'd they do this????

i think this is very funny... esp. if you go to the page that it's on because the other headlines accusing me of destroying the world are like things i can totally imagine in real life if i haven't already seen them. if you don't know what i'm talking about just buy richard rushfield's book when it comes out!

time to update my blog

it's been a long time since i wrote anything here... la la la, let's see what's changed. i am soooooooo fucking tired, that hasn't changed.

another thing that hasn't changed is that i haven't gotten any further on megan's video. i'll tell you why. it starts with that freedom center party that only freedom center people came to where that turned out to be a good thing because half of us are socially phobic anyway. i do believe i mentioned earlier a transformative experience i had hooping to bucket bennie (i have since hunted him down & talked to him & learned we were on the same page, and we are planning to collaborate more in the near future.) well i had another transformative experience, and that was meeting rebekah.

who is rebekah... well she's the girlfriend (or "partner" if you prefer) of my friend sally. sally is awesome. i'd heard a lot about rebekah but never met her before that night. and then sally introduced us and glimmer sparkle clinking of champagne glasses excitement mischief beauty brilliance it was all there. i had met my future artistic collaborator. i don't know if i need to tell you how rare that is. there are very few people on this earth with whom i've really enjoyed collaborating. i loved working with marc on his video. i used to collaborate on some stuff with my husband david. before that, i think it was only betty. i might have counted star at one point but the idealism has long worn off of that. so, no. it's just been a few.

so i told rebekah about megan's video & where & why i was stuck. we sat down right there at the party, me on the floor her in a chair and we shot out ideas. and i loved her ideas. and i told her there was no money in this but i'd credit her & she said she would totally come over to my place & sit next to me at my computer & edit w/me. i was so fucking excited. i found a purple crayon & a scrap of paper & got her number. i've stuck it to the front of my computer and am staring at it now. i called her a couple days later - no illusion, she was still into it. we set up a date but had to cancel b/c of the rain - because you see she lives way out by the other end of king street & has to walk all the way into town & in pouring rain that's just not gonna happen. so we rescheduled for this monday. but we missed each other.

i didn't call her although i knew that i should. i didn't know if she flaked (i hoped it was her that flaked) or that she showed up on time (we were supposed to meet at haymarket) but i was a few minutes late so she left... i just didn't know. i would have found out if i'd called her but i kept putting it off. and off. all week, and up till last night i was still saying "i gotta call rebekah, i really want to do this with her." so i really thought i was working my way up to it.

today was saturday and as i have officially started massage school, i had to be there at 9am. yuck. no, i did not get enough sleep friday night. the night before the first class i did not get a single wink of sleep. the night before the 2nd class i caught a couple hours' worth of zzzzs. i got a few more fri. night but not enough. i got a ride to class with a girl who lives nearby. i went to class. and then i met sara. sara's this beautiful redhead sally'd told me to look out for, who she'd said was also starting the massage school this fall. but sara's in the evening class, i'm in the morning class, and the classes don't come together till saturdays, so today's when i met her. i don't know how she knew who i was but she asked, "are you jenna?" and then she told me the news.

and the news is this: that rebekah is in the ICU in a coma with multiple skull fractures. when the police found sally & told her to come to the hospital she couldn't even recognize rebekah beneath all the blood & the swollen blue face... she recognized her by her HANDS. by her fucking HANDS!!! the newspaper said the police (though they know rebekah well) didn't identify her until thursday morning. she was hit by a car wednesday night. she was crossing the street for cigarettes. down by the end of king street, near the pride station & d'angelo's. bad place. no sidewalks, no lighting. a young woman hit her, apparently wasn't drinking or speeding but who really knows. there were 5 witnesses. police are still working it out.

meanwhile this is the brilliant and beautiful and sparkling with intensity rebekah, my new artistic collaborator, whose life hangs in the balance. and while it hangs there, and she hangs in a coma, male nurses are handling her callously & perhaps abusively, and her family's pushing for the docs to add antipsychotics to her IV drip, and sally's there w/the most therapeutic skills of anybody but of course no legal rights whatsoever.

so that's why i'm still not done w/megan's video. it's so weird, i was thinking BEFORE i met sara, before she told me what happened (and sally had asked her to find me & tell me) that i should take the ideas rebekah tossed out there at the party & just start working w/them on my own, not wait, but get going w/it all & then she could help me refine it when we did get together. and now i feel like somehow this video represents the thin little thread i have connecting me to her life, and either working on it or not working on it will have some effect on what happens there in the ICU... i really feel like on a spiritual plane, what i decide to do with it is going to sway things one way or the other or in between and i don't know if it's better to work on it, sending her creative energy & thought all the while, or save it for her, save it because it shows i believe that she will come back to us and she will be here and we will work together. and if i don't save it, maybe that will be like giving up hope. i don't know. maybe it means nothing at all. but what is meaning, then, anyway???? it's left up to the interpreter, right? so if this is how i feel then this is real for me. and i have to figure out how it is that i'm interpreting the intersection between this project and these events.

in other news... basically there is no other news. well there is but i'll be quick about it. #1 i have realized that the greatest thing i can do for society as a whole (or at least the people nearest to me) is NOT DATE. i mean it, no dating!!! because dating makes me totally psycho and miserable. i'll make exceptions for old flames and for girls (because, historically, girls don't make me psycho.) but i haven't had a girlfriend in, like, FOREVER, and i'm not getting much vibe from the grrrls of northampton a.k.a. the so-called "lesbian capital of the world". so basically, public service: me not dating. #2 i paid off the garage & returned my plates to the DMV but still have to go to civil court & sue the asshole who wrecked my motorcycle. #3 kevin & i & maybe tracey are hooping tomorrow at look park, as an interlude entertainment for the florence poets' society gathering celebrating the publication of "silkworm" in which i supposedly have a teeny little poem published (no big.) the keynote speaker is leslea newman, who i'm not really gonna say anything about in case someone googles her name & it gets back to her somehow. but basically i think she's gotten a bit too much mileage out of being an oppressed jewish lesbian. she wrote that horrible, horrible children's book "heather has two mommies" which ONLY sold because it was basically the only lesbian-family-themed kids' book out there. but it had no plot, no characterization, nothing, nothing, nothing. it was not a story. it was a smiley-faced billboard shouting "children of gay people get ice cream & balloons too!" and that's all i have to say about leslea newman. HOPEFULLY she won't recognize me from that awful january term writing workshop i took w/her back in, um, 1986... which really should never be brought up again at all so please don't bring it up. anyway kevin's here & we have to mix 15' of music together for tomorrow's "performance" and i'm trying to use this absolutely craptastic piece of software called mixmeister which i "borrowed" from angus, who is not exactly on my shit list but, well, let's just say he does not at this point in time have the skills necessary for hanging out w/me & not driving me insane.

on that note... it was VERY fulfilling & therapeutic when i threw star's VHS tape of his late-80's music video (fleetwood mac-like band he was in) at angus and it broke. that just felt so fucking GOOD. yeah, yeah, i know it's "wrong" to throw shit at people, but there were extenuating circumstances. and that's all i can think of to say for tonight. adieu and farewell for now.

faux-spam making the rounds

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Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury
Henry Paulson

freedom center party

sadly there was no video of me hooping w/bucket bennie... but it was a transformative moment. looking for an actual recording of him so i can piece something together using his music instead of a substitute like i used here.

a dance for missy

i was channelling my departed friend melissa last night when i made this & i dedicate it to her & all her loved ones. i don't really think i can channel, but as i've been going a bit psycho in general the impossible has become possible. anyway it's my first hooping/etc video that i actually like at all...


a dance for missy from Jenna Wikler on Vimeo.

head cold & a meltdown

well, just when i thought i'd had enough, i learned that a friend from college, who lived right near here in springfield and was on facebook almost every day, had suddenly died. i would write about it here but so far as i know the results of the autopsy either aren't in or they haven't been made public - in any case our mutual friends (who were closer to her than i was) haven't learned anything new & it would be unseemly, i think, for me to go on about it here. in any case the mountain of crap i was trying to face suddenly became pretty much un-faceable.

so i came down with a cold just in time for the big party saturday night. if you did not glean the pertinent info from my previous post, here it is:

saturday night. 6pm-midnight. WWII club on conz st. 7 year anniversary of the freedom center. dance party. glow bracelets. LED hooping & poi performances.

well in light of my head cold and all the recent stress i am feeling pretty dubious about performing at this party and am considering bailing on it and just letting kevin & purple do their thing. who is purple, you may ask? well this is purple:



it's not just a lot of stress and a head cold though. at this point i think i am having a psychic meltdown. if i'm in a room with more than one person they might as well be speaking chinese - i have no idea what's going on. i can't hoop. i can't do anything. i'm suffering a major creative block. i'm having bizarre nightmares almost every night. i don't know how to handle social situations and have lost all sense of tact (not sure i ever had any to begin with though.) the only thing that's made me smile in earnest in the past few days is that my secret e-stalker from CA has decided to reappear, after dropping off the face of the earth for several years. we "met" online while i was in the process of leaving my husband in petaluma, CA for a 3-month stint as a homeless person. we chatted incessantly until right before x-mas, when he disappeared, leaving me with a big gaping hole in my chest. i eventually got over it. fell in love with an in-person boy & had a 4-month-long romantic interlude which ended when i had a mental meltdown in april. right around then this mystery chat-man reappeared & came to town for one night. we met. say no more. then he disappeared again. once a year or so he'd reappear & maybe drop me a note somewhere. now i'm having another meltdown and here he is, out from the ether, saying sweet things that make me feel good when somehow nothing else can or will. thank you, S.J. my heart is a little warmer for your re-appearance.

p.s. it's either a good thing or a crying shame that i already know it would be useless to check myself into the hospital. they can do nothing for me. there's only one thing that can help me now, i believe, and that's LESS PRESSURE. and the onus is on me to create this less-pressure situation because i'm the one who keeps saying "yes" to things i really want to do but which i obviously can't find time for. and "yes" to people i really want to hang out with but who keep me up too late & make me get sick, thereby contributing to my never-ending cycle of not-finishing-anything and feeling more and more stressed. but people and creative projects have always been more important to me than anything else, so what's a girl to do, i ask you? i seriously don't know.

Freedom Center Lucky 7 Psycho Social

Freedom Center Lucky 7 Psycho Social
Originally uploaded by jennacide

if you're in the area and have nothing better to do please come to this party on saturday night! it is guaranteed to be fun. even if you do have something better to do - blow it off, will you? my cohorts & i have put a lot of effort into this thing & so far as i know this is our first opportunity to show the world (or the city of northampton at least) that yes, crazy people can really throw a good party. we've never actually tried it before. there will probably be a few dorky moments just for the sake of explaining who we are & what we do (music stopping, people taking the mic & talking about the freedom center, etc.) and a couple screenings of a 5-minute film in which i make a 100% dorky appearance, but other than that it'll just be a totally hoppin' party. there will be vegan food provided (including lasagna) with lots of carbs to soak up all the beer or hard liquor you might be imbibing. there will be performances by the noho hooperstars (www.nohohoops.org) as well as "bucket" bennie johnson, a local hero in a blue sparkly cape with a kazoo taped to a harmonica stand around his neck who plays an upside-down drywall bucket & sings motown hits. we've even gotten ourselves a real DJ who may or may not scare you with his bizarre mixes but he WILL toss you a glow bracelet & keep you dancing or, if you're a wallflower, make you wish you were drunk enough to dance.

my crazy wife, i mean LIFE

i just moved my website over to a newer server at my same hosting service. a bunch of stuff doesn't work now so i have to re-install boards, etc, anything with scripting really. and re-publish this blog - so i figured why not add a new post since i'm running late anyway and only have like a gazillion things to do.

i am so fucking tired.

what's new in news-land: well let's see, first of all i've been trying for a while to get my new social club/website "peaknoho.org" off the ground but i want to use drupal and that's why i had to move to a newer server which messed everything else up. my friend scott is helping me troubleshoot the drupal config. what would i do w/out scott? well i probably wouldn't have been turned on to drupal to begin with so maybe none of this would be a problem and i wouldn't need his help. but he did loan me a cool book oh drupal, phpBB and wordpress, which was very nice of him & i plan on using all of them.

i'm trying to get my "professional" site "mischiefrobot.com" off the ground but right now the domain name isn't pointing to the right place. i just changed the DNS settings again & will check it in a couple days.

i just spent the last week engaged with the university of notre dame's architecture dept's grad student team & professor phil bess, who came to our town (big honor for us, really, that they chose us) and spent a week investigating the town's layout, history, topography, culture, politics, etc. and inviting citizens to join in the process as they came up with amazing design ideas for a sustainable growth plan. their thing is looking at old, wonderful cities that are great places to live in and what makes them great, and using those as models for good design. it is soooooo refreshing. i can't tell you. really, i can't. because i don't have the time right now and i don't have the words. they fit into the "new urbanist" movement but honestly what they're doing is something spectacular. this does not, of course, mean that any of their plans will be implemented in any way by our city's asshole politicians. please note: NOBODY LOVES THE MAYOR. NOBODY WANTS THE FUCKING HILTON.

i created a wee little splash when i recorded our local homeless advocate, ira, in a moment when he was spouting off to the design crew, and i uploaded it to youtube as "ira the irate". this caused some interesting reactions. first of all i got an email from a wealthy local man who thinks he's already solved all the problems for the homeless and that there is no problem. secondly, ira said at the next meeting (whereat he apologized to everyone for his outburst) "apparently i'm on youtube now" and tonight, he started his commentary (which was quite civil, if you're curious) by introducing himself as "ira the irate". later i talked to him & admitted to having youtubed him, and he accused me of not having a clue what he was trying to get at in his outburst etc. but i informed him that i want to get him & that rich guy together for a debate & videotape THAT. he was all for it... and i'm gonna set it up.

problem: i'm way too busy. i'm doing a fun but big video project for mike k's company, stone soup concrete (whose party i am running late for as we speak.) i am making a video for megan e. labonte but that's taking me forever even though it should be simple and probably would be simple for anyone else & she probably would have been happy just getting the straight footage but no, i had to go & chop it all up & try to edit it together in some artful sort of way. then, i'm making more than three movies just for myself and those occupy much of my time although i justify it by explaining to myself that i am using my personal projects to gain the skills i need for the other projects, which will then benefit from my increased speed & agility & know-how. ok, then there's this woman who needs mac help... and there's this guy i've been hanging out with... and i'm still trying to hoop as often as possible... and i'm more involved with freedom center stuff than ever, though i continue to cause huge controversies with my tactless group emails. most recently, i went on a tirade about how skits were dorky and had no place at a party, and the pro-skit faction believed i was personally attacking them as being dorks. ok, then on top of that i'm making & selling hoops but i'm way behind on that, having promised to make a bunch of kid-sized hoops, and custom hoops for people, and so on and so forth...

and some asshole keeps trying to hack my site(s) but i haven't exactly figured out how/why/etc. to patch the security holes...

and some other asshole basically stole my motorcycle & wrecked it & now it's sitting in a garage racking up storage fees all being billed to me, so i have to deal with THAT...

and i'm trying to get all this shit dealt with & straightened out PLUS get on a "regular" sleeping schedule all before i start massage school on sept 30th. meanwhile, a good friend of mine is having a major meltdown & i want to help him out but don't really know how & the one thing i can do is give him some time though i'm already going crazy, so... well, to sum it up, that's my crazy life basically. not including the cat who chews up any papers i leave lying around.

but i'm not complaining!!! i have a great fucking life. seriously. compared to, say, when i was married... or a hermit... these are pretty good times. so the world's going to hell in a handbasket worse than ever, we've killed off most of the planet & will not be able to sustain even the much-lauded human life for much longer... in spite of that things are good. for me. it's just that things are crazy. i remember my husband remarking, way back when, that i seemed happier when i was working, even though i really hated working, was always overwhelmed & sleep-deprived, and never got anywhere on time. there's something to be said for at least being engaged with something, i guess. for having creative outlets & places to put ones energies.

end of crazy-life rant... i'm late for a party.